Lose weight the snarky way

Recommendations on how to have a nice ass while being sort of an ass:

• Protein powder and oatmeal. If that sounds appetizing, now you're getting a handle on the weight loss part.
• At some point, your doctor is liable to give you a low sugar (or no sugar) diagnosis. Maybe that won't happen until you're 70, but why wait until you're old to hate your doctor?
  
• Splenda tastes like shit? Yes, yes it does even though your sister told you it really doesn't taste that bad. Denial is a very powerful thing, sis.
  
• If you don't like cutting up fruit every time, put it in the freezer. If you don't like frozen fruit, you have no soul. Everyone likes blueberries, you undead bastard.
  
• Cut out high fructose corn syrup, which means about 3/4ths of everything at the grocery store you can no longer eat.
  
• Quit eating meat altogether. Pesticides and hormones can be covered up by that delicious "smoky" flavor.
• Walk 20 mins a day or exert yourself 3x a week. Sex works fine but make sure its always after an argument. To do this, become very contrary with your partner, but avoid jealousy as that usually ends in her getting "new phase" haircut and dumping you.

Congratulations, now you're a vegetarian health-nut douchebag. Here's how to handle that:

• Being smug and self-important sure helps
• Imagine that sugar is radioactive (think cancer -- not the kind that gives you super powers)
• Read labels with your jaw clenched. It prepares you for the inevitable disappointment.
• Imagine hooking up with one of those slightly older women at the health food store with amazing skin. Fantasize she's a massage therapist.
  
• Avoid other vegetarians. Those guys are dicks.
  

Additional less interesting notes:

• Prepare the oatmeal ahead of time and then stick it in the fridge.
• Put a flax seed on said oatmeal. Its good for your skin, according to legend.
• As implied above, mix Splenda with small amounts of actual sugar. Ideally honey or fruit.
• No salt, fried foods, alcohol, or white bread (or "enriched" flour). Sounds awesome I know.
  
• Less cheese, sugar, salt, deserts, and eat darker chocolate.