Physical security
- Alarms that are not plugged in are not functional so keep them safe from unplugging. Put up barbed wire and a rotating spike chain ball.
- Statues of scary dogs are not as effective as three scary statue dogs.
The workplace
- REAL security clearance means a no-holds-barred dance-off.
- If your place of business is insecure, its a lot like being insecure about your social skills: alcohol and pills is the only solution.
Give out customer information only if:
- They do a magic trick where you no longer are wearing a bra
- They correctly guess the capitol of Iowa
- Provide basket of ferrets
Confronting a perpetrator
- Stay Calm
- Choke the bastard and shake him like a vending machine.
- For your last punch, remain in that striking position so as to better demonstrate you're finished.
- Dan Marino is not a security officer, no matter what he claims. And he will.
Critical Procedures needed for
- Holdup
- Kidnap
- Hostage
- Smugglers
- Jugglers
- Huggers
- Dan Marino
Weapons
- Chasing people with a hatchet covered in broken glass is only okay if you're super duper angry
- Christmas lights wielded like a whip are @#$%ing awesome
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