Just two things

An old email I ran across, inspired by an Internet forward/survey thing a few years ago:

Two names you go by:

1. Mr. Smooth
2. Mr. Fantastic

Two things you are wearing right now:

1. Germs
2. Robust air of authority

Two things you would like to have in a relationship:

1. No scrubs
2. No abrasive cleansers

Two of your favorite things to do:

1. Tell people they're majestic.
2. Pointing at myself in the mirror and saying "who's that guy?"

Two things you want very badly at the moment:

1. To somehow capture the leprechan so I can have his pot-o-gold
   without having him make that "so do you have any Irish in you?" joke.
2. Lots of counterfeit money labeled "counterfeit" because I so love irony.

Two pets you had/have:

1. My imaginary dragon friend. His name is Teri. I don't like that
   name but it wasn't really my decision.
2. My pet rock that looks like Steven Tyler. His name is also Teri,
   which is confusing.

Two things you did last night:

1. Didn't get any.
2. Made up for my inadequacies by boasting about my fancy hat.

Two things you ate today:

1. My pride.
2. The law.

Two people you last talked to:

1. Teri
2. Teri

Two things you're doing tomorrow:

1. The same thing I do every night ... try to start a fire with my mind.
2. Get a lighter after 17 minutes of abject failure.

Two longest car rides:

1. After I broke up with Alanis Morsette
2. Going home from work after finding out she was rich.