Efforts to understand, improve, or do less harm to the world around me.


Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Bank security tips

Physical security
  • Alarms that are not plugged in are not functional so keep them safe from unplugging.  Put up barbed wire and a rotating spike chain ball.
  • Statues of scary dogs are not as effective as three scary statue dogs.
The workplace
  • REAL security clearance means a no-holds-barred dance-off.
  • If your place of business is insecure, its a lot like being insecure about your social skills: alcohol and pills is the only solution.
Give out customer information only if:
  • They do a magic trick where you no longer are wearing a bra
  • They correctly guess the capitol of Iowa
  • Provide basket of ferrets
Confronting a perpetrator
  • Stay Calm
  • Choke the bastard and shake him like a vending machine.
  • For your last punch, remain in that striking position so as to better demonstrate you're finished.
  • Dan Marino is not a security officer, no matter what he claims.  And he will.
Critical Procedures needed for
  • Holdup
  • Kidnap
  • Hostage
  • Smugglers
  • Jugglers
  • Huggers
  • Dan Marino
  • Chasing people with a hatchet covered in broken glass is only okay if you're super duper angry
  • Christmas lights wielded like a whip are @#$%ing awesome

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