Efforts to understand, improve, or do less harm to the world around me.


Saturday, September 06, 2014

My rules for online dating (part 3)


If it's in the friend zone: My experience is that almost everyone doing the online dating thing isn't looking for friends so I generally don't pursue this line, but if I'm just thinking friendship, I'll ask to do more or less the same first interaction thing again.  If there's obviously still no feelings, I'll try to talk about how I think this is something I'd be comfortable continuing with as friends and go from there.


Treat this as an actual date.  I offer to pay, I take them to dinner at a sit-down, waitstaff restaurant.  Then I try to have somewhere to go afterwards like to walk around the area or a cool/interesting thing.  I don't generally offer to take women to movies unless they've professed a real love of some particular movies.  For example, one woman I dated was huge into documentaries.

The point of this stage is really the same point as the above one, but I add in a few more pieces:
  1. Seeing how the person you're with interacts with food service is a big deal.  As someone who has friends in food services, I have a big problem with folks that treat "the help" poorly.  I don't know what creates this behavior but it's a huge negative.
  2. Details like whether they show up on time, difficulty / ease of finding a midpoint / etc. all can give some insight.
  3. If whomever you're dating doesn't really seem to appreciate dinner or enjoy time with you, don't go out with them again.
The essence of this stage is gradual openness: talk a bit more about yourself, what you care about, and encourage her to do the same.  This is the ground floor of intimacy.

I've been on tons of these "second interactions" and they seem to have little to do with the first one.  I guess because people put their best foot forward on the first date and then let their guard down a bit on the second?  Or folks are more comfortable on the second run?  I can't say.

Next: Part 4

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